we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
