You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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