I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
