Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
