Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
