he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
