I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
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