Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
