I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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