the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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