you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize