Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
