i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
