Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
