Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Who died my cat blue again?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
