At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
