My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm at about main and main street
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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