I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize