I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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