I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
