Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
