Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
