you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
