just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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