why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
