i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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