OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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