I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
