my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
