Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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