I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
