Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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