Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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