Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
