Taylor Swift is so right about you.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
