Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
