my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
