I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
