Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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