Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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