Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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