You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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