Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
