Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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