I faked an abortion last night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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