I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
