He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
