dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ladies don't puke and tell
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
