I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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