Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
