I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
