Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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