Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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