There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
