we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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