I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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