Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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