If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
