1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize