so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
