you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My liver just had a heart attack.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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