OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
3pm strippers are depressing
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
