So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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