no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
