just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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