God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
