Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
