The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
