have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
