Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
