The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Randomize
