HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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