also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I love having hate sex.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
