Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
